Who cares?

Well maybe they do, but if you care too much what other people think of you, it's time to consider a new focus.

Why? Think of the price you are paying as you try to earn their praise and avoid their criticism.

Maybe you adopt their voice - mimicking what you imagine will be their disapproval. You'll be judging yourself harshly. You'll probably be more stressed than you need to be. You'll choose compliance over independence and safety over new thinking.

There's a better way.

Be clear in your own mind what your values are and live according to them.

That seems easy enough, but you will need to stay focused to make it work. Here are some ideas that should help.

  1. Decide that what other people think of you is irrelevant.
  2. Decide that some people will criticise you, disagree with you and misunderstand you no matter what you say or do. 
  3. Remind yourself that people have their own perspectives and agendas and some will oppose you to promote their view of the world.
  4. Adopt the six-month rule, 'Will anyone remember or care what I said or did in six months?' (Six months is the timeframe I use but just plucked from the air. Choose a time that seems right for you.)
  5. Decide that everyone makes mistakes so you are okay with saying and doing the wrong thing sometimes.
  6. Learn from your mistakes.
  7. Strive to do your best. (Not what you imagine is other peoples' idea of perfection)
  8. Forgive yourself. The researchers tell us that people with self-compassion are more resilient. They're healthier too.
  9. Accept that changing the habits of a lifetime takes time and setbacks are inevitable.  
  10. Practise 'Íf, then'. (If people do criticise me, then I will....')
'Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.' - Lao Tzu

(Apparently it's a fake quote, but if anyone complains then I will remind myself that it supports my theme, I've acknowledged that it's fake
- and Lao Tzu would probably have agreed with it anyway.)

 

You want a simple answer?

Some pop psychology is nonsense. It may even be harmful.

Pop psychology may be popular, but some of it is founded on speculation, assertions, anecdotes and flimsy evidence.

We should even be careful with what's often accepted as common sense. 

Examples?

  • 'Always be positive'. (Positivity is good, very good, but successful people also face reality. Their positivity isn't a cover for denial.)
  • 'Give yourself regular affirmations.' (Affirmations have limited value for people who don't need them. They are depressing for those who are already depressed - so harmful.)
  • 'The keys to success are dreaming big and being relentlessly focused on your goals'. (No, they are not the keys to success. Goals are useful, but action towards them is vital. So is a strategy for coping with setbacks.)

Some self-help books include wild extrapolations of genuine research that leave the original researchers horrified. (Remember the idea that Mozart's music improves learning? What about the notion that audiences absorb only 7 per cent of our message from the words we use - the rest being the way we deliver it?)

But there are gems...

These days many of the popular books or online articles dismissed as pop psychology are written by respected academics who have done extensive research including real-world trials. Others are practitioners who have examined the research thoroughly and can report what works in counselling, leadership, coaching or training.

Maybe we need a new word to help us separate what's useful from what isn't. Or, we could reserve pop psychology to describe unscientific, pseudo-psychology. That's my choice because pop psychology is already a pejorative term.

Let's not dismiss books and online articles just because they are written in an engaging non-academic style. I once bought a women's magazine with a cover promising an article about optimism. My expectations were not high, but that was just prejudice. To my surprise, the writer was obviously familiar with the research and in one page had come up with some practical ways to develop a realistic form of optimism. That article was not dumbing down research. It was the work of a skilled communicator.

Let's always ask ourselves what evidence the writer is drawing on. Is it objective research, stories from a few people, or no evidence - just assertions? Is the website we are visiting credible? 

A couple of cautions

Be very wary of diagnosing yourself based on self-help books or websites. Diagnoses are for clinicians and for disorders can be complex.

Be wary of simplistic solutions. Positive psychology (the science of thriving) has plenty of well-researched and practical ideas, but see the books and articles as a starting point, not an instant cure. Changing habits of thinking and behaving takes effort and time. Setbacks are almost inevitable.

 

Disclosure
I'm not a disinterested observer. Many of my blogs are about positive psychology and based on the peer-reviewed research. I've also written books and ebooks on the psychology of  thriving as well as articles for international academic journals reviewing the research on resilience. I'm a practitioner and firmly in the academic camp. 

 

Register for The Skillset Brief

Tips, advice and insights from our specialists.

It's not a newsletter. There's no news and it's not about us - just ideas you can use.

We send them out every few weeks.

Register for The Skillset Brief