Skillset New Zealand Blog
- Written by Ralph Brown
Who cares?
Well maybe they do, but if you care too much what other people think of you, it's time to consider a new focus.
Why? Think of the price you are paying as you try to earn their praise and avoid their criticism.
Maybe you adopt their voice - mimicking what you imagine will be their disapproval. You'll be judging yourself harshly. You'll probably be more stressed than you need to be. You'll choose compliance over independence and safety over new thinking.
There's a better way.
Be clear in your own mind what your values are and live according to them.
That seems easy enough, but you will need to stay focused to make it work. Here are some ideas that should help.
- Decide that what other people think of you is irrelevant.
- Decide that some people will criticise you, disagree with you and misunderstand you no matter what you say or do.
- Remind yourself that people have their own perspectives and agendas and some will oppose you to promote their view of the world.
- Adopt the six-month rule, 'Will anyone remember or care what I said or did in six months?' (Six months is the timeframe I use but just plucked from the air. Choose a time that seems right for you.)
- Decide that everyone makes mistakes so you are okay with saying and doing the wrong thing sometimes.
- Learn from your mistakes.
- Strive to do your best. (Not what you imagine is other peoples' idea of perfection)
- Forgive yourself. The researchers tell us that people with self-compassion are more resilient. They're healthier too.
- Accept that changing the habits of a lifetime takes time and setbacks are inevitable.
- Practise 'Íf, then'. (If people do criticise me, then I will....')
(Apparently it's a fake quote, but if anyone complains then I will remind myself that it supports my theme, I've acknowledged that it's fake
- and Lao Tzu would probably have agreed with it anyway.)
- Written by Ralph Brown
When my first wife died many people I met didn't know what to say, so they didn't say anything. Others felt an obligation to be cheerful. One said, 'Ah well, onwards and upwards eh?'
I'm sure it was well meant, but you could see it as an example of toxic positivity.
Yes, it's an excellent idea to be positive. The evidence from many studies is clear: positive emotions keep us healthy and resilient. Realistic optimism helps us to live years longer.
Positivity becomes toxic when we believe that being positive all the time is an obligation and negative thoughts or words are a sign of weakness or failure.
We could be encouraging toxic posititivity when we say things like, 'Everything happens for a reason', 'Least said, soonest mended', 'You've got to look on the bright side', 'Best not to dwell'. (Though let's acknowledge that some people need help to stop ruminating and move on.)
Joining those who use social media for 'impression management' can do it too. Sharing only our happy moments, our achievements and our most flattering photos distorts reality and encourages others to do the same. We encourage toxic positivity if we hear a colleague's sad story and tell an even sadder one of our own.
In groups, toxic positivity encourages 'groupthink' famously illustrated by the Bay of Pigs and Challenger disasters. (Check them out on Google.) The pressure was on to be a team player, think positively and ignore what might go wrong.
So what's the alternative to toxic positivity?
The alternative begins with accepting that relentless positivity has a significant cost. It's exhausting. It's not real. It's not what resilient people do. Resilience and good mental health come from accepting the reality of a setback or tragedy and working through it.
Relentless positivity is not the way to make important decisions either. It's more likely to be denial. The best decisions involve some negativity. Asking both, 'What could go wrong?' and 'If that did happen, what would we do?' is both real and practical.
By the way, positive psychology is not about relentless positivity. It's a non-medical branch of research in psychology focused on helping people thrive.
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